creepysusie Spits Divine Trans Scripture on HEAVEN
creepysusie sings trans gospel as she makes her way to HEAVEN.
Releasing on Christmas day 2023, HEAVEN is the 5th album by transfem rapper and beatmaker creepysusie. Balancing on the cusp of lightness and darkness, HEAVEN explores the twisted and beautiful feelings of the trans experience. Across 28 minutes, creepysusie paints every emotion, positive or negative, on this lush canvas. Utilizing her decade’s worth of experience as an emcee and producer to put together, what I believe to be, her most compelling and focused project to date. The themes presented on this album are familiar, yet nuanced, especially within the greater context of hip-hop and its players’ history of homophobia and transphobia, from the underground to the mainstream (Antichrist by Eminem & Bizarre, FAMILY MATTERS by Drake, Pi by J. Cole, Ab-Soul, & Daylyt, Sorbonne by Tha God Fahim & Mach-Hommy, BAPTIZM by al.divino, Estee Nack, & ???, etc.). Recognizing the faults and corruption of the world presented to us is an eye opening experience that can lead you down a path of questioning what reality even is. This questioning leads you to becoming the person you want to be.
The sound of this album is elegant, intertwining creepysusie’s signature sample loop and turntablist style to keep what can be a repetitive sound always fresh. Especially considering most of these tracks are only sporting a one or two bar loop. Susie flows on every track with the energy that is asked of her, all while keeping that handheld feel at the forefront of her delivery. The features on this album come from frequent collaborators zombAe, backprints, Leo Pinto, and STALKER.FM (as the voice of "Dan Backslide"), all coming together to help strengthen the album’s themes of self expression and resilience. Tying the sounds of the new and old school forms of hip-hop production and delivery, creepysusie helps pave the way for trans representation in this genre. HEAVEN is a story of realism, acceptance, and love–taking inspiration from a genre that is quick to dismiss those in creepysusie’s shoes.
“Mary Virgin… thou came from out that night Mary so much light / And so much gloom…/ I am still so blossoming, so young. How shall I go and tip toe / From childhood to annunciation / Through the dim twilight / Into thy garden?”
As a kid, I was a Methodist Christian and didn’t start going to church on Sundays until the summer before my 7th grade. This started happening after moving from San Antonio to a rural town not too far away. Even with the close proximity to my old house, I was in a whole new world. No friends, no relatability, and no forms of expression. The classic queer rural Texas experience. This was my first time moving in almost a decade, and frankly, that change made me act out. This, on top of non stop bullying, is when I knew I felt so out of place. I wanted the church to be a place I would be comfortable–and for my parents sake, it was.
This didn’t last long, though; looking back on my relationship with religion has made me understand where my masking started to separate myself from my reality. Weeks turned into months, then turned to years, and my disinterest just increasingly became more apparent. I would never wake up on time for church and constantly beg to not go. When I was there I would fall asleep in the pew and go to the bathroom for a long time to play on my phone or fall asleep. At the same time, my parents rose to different positions in the church, so I always felt a sense of guilt for how I acted. Acting out like that was the first step towards me questioning and challenging the morals and ideas that were given to me every Sunday. Growing up in rural Texas, I had never seen, met, talked to, or been around a trans person before (from what I knew at the time). Despite that, one of the people that helped me step away from faith at such a young age was a trans person.
Being shown content that reflected my religious beliefs opened my eyes to the fact that there are other people like me. Even if we are different, we are the same. HEAVEN became a fleeting thought to my mind the older I got, because I couldn’t believe in it. Christianity opened my eyes to the world outside my little bubble–by pushing me out of its own way, making me realize there is “Heaven” all around us.
“Dan Backslide. We are at the feet of the new world and the ruins of the old one, moving through time.”
Introduced through the turbulent, but serene interlude narrated by Dan Backslide, voiced by STALKER.FM, we are presented with ‘Hymns’ by creepysusie (a sort of mini project within the larger scope of ‘HEAVEN’). Within the greater scope of this album, it feels like all songs outside of the ‘Hymns’ are formed around them–showing life from a pre-transition and post-transition mind state. “Hymns” are made to praise God, and praise is something creepysusie is not afraid to give herself through these “hymns.” I feel this is intentional since we are all made in the image of God, so God can be whoever you want. Susie is the one consistent through these songs; with no features to share the runtime, she takes on the negative aspects of the world around her to solidify herself as an individual. This series of tracks takes you down the trans pipeline, at each pivotal point.
Pt. 1: Despair From The Dark
"Pt. 1: Despair From The Dark" acts as an introduction to Susie’s character. She shows off her confident and cool nature while giving us a glimpse into that sensitive side that isn’t always easy to share. Everything can always feel fine when you’re convincing yourself it is. The confidence on this track–while convincing–shows that inner uncertainty. “The raw sunshine penetrate my eyelids and illuminate my true face / At the end of it, shit can go either one of two ways / This record represent love like a bouquet” This is a standout lyric that captures the overarching theme of self love and acceptance that HEAVEN instills in the listener.
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Pt. 2: So Niceee!
Hitting the track running, Susie comes at the mic with a new energy after unpeeling that outer layer on "Pt. 1: Despair From The Dark." She presents us with a hyperbolic and cinematic description of her lifestyle. The pure angst expressed on "Pt. 2: So Niceee!" comes with the frustration of growing up in an ever ending world, forcing you into a position where you have to figure out what is real around you.
Pt. 3: Next Thing
"Pt. 3: Next Thing" is a breakdown of creepysusie’s insecurities and how she developed them, taking us back to her origins over a foreboding piano loop. Delving into why she is who she is, Susie expands on her influences, giving the listener greater context for her demeanor on the mic. Life always has something in store for you. Whether it be good or bad, these experiences shape our view and actions moving forward. No matter how unpredictable the world around us can be, you are the only thing consistent in it all.
Pt. 4: Hello Stranger Revisited
"Pt. 4: Hello Stranger Revisited" takes the listener to a new, but familiar place. Audibly balancing on the brink of life and death, you are taken back to that mirror–looking into it and not knowing the shape looking back. The trans experience is a hard-to-express range of emotions, but between Susie’s penultimate verse and the genius use of the sample loop production style, that feeling of recognizing your soul’s shape gets captured perfectly here. “Heaven” is a mysterious place that can only be defined by yourself, and on "Pt. 4: Hello Stranger Revisited", creepysusie takes us to the pearly gates.
spencer3443Pt. 5: If I Ever Fell Off…
"Pt. 5: If I Ever Fell Off…" is pure euphoria. Crawling out of the lucidity that "Pt. 4: Hello Stranger Revisited" presents, this is the direct response to that. Susie is feeling herself on this song, showing that she is fully aware of her capabilities and making it clear that she is here to stay no matter how many times she falls. After the turbulence of "Pt. 4: Hello Stranger Revisited", the laid back one bar loop gives Susie the space to say what she wants with the utmost clarity. The confidence here feels like when you buy your first dress and look in the mirror, realizing you have your identity in your hands.
“…this night won’t last forever, and we will surely be blessed with a new dawn, so just get some rest.”
Pt. 6: PS3 Makes The Best Games1
"Pt. 6: PS3 Makes The Best Games" shows Susie reminiscing on the person she used to be. She addresses the changes she sees in herself–those that have stayed consistent, her hopes for her future, and re-introducing herself to us while discussing all of this on a different beat for each of the three verses. The serene woodwind beat sports a switch into a chaotic siren and explosion filled sample loop, just to leave after 50 seconds before quickly delving into a deep bassline with the triumphant backdrop of horns. With these three beats, Susie tells us how she feels about the past, present, and future of herself and her artistry.
1 = available on ‘HEAVEN (DELUXE EDITION)’ on creepysusie’s Bandcamp
Taking us out of Hymns by creepysusie, we are pulled into the loud and turbulent "Rebellion". The opening has a vocal sample saying, “I cast you out,” while creepysusie screams, “DIE” 12 times over it, giving you a clear picture of the incoming hatred. With this being the shortest verse on the album, it is also one of the most cohesive. The vile horn loop sees Susie putting herself on the metaphorical cross, using the sacrifices of herself and the trans people before us to express her all-out vitriol for the systems and people in power pushing against the progression and acceptance of our siblings. The passion in these lyrics can be heard through Susie’s vocals, having the delay and reverb to further emphasize her angsty rage. To be trans is to rebel.
Susie takes this rebellion to hell as she falls from Heaven on the outro "Holy." As she descends, she raps divinely about what love is, where it comes from, and who is worthy of it, letting us know that even past death, her hatred for those against her will live on. The triumphant horn loop intermingled with the record scratches tie the overall sound and story of this album together, leaving the listener to ask themselves, “What does ‘Heaven’ mean to you?”
Hello, I’m a transgender woman. My name is Dayton–that was my birth name, and I love it, but I’m trying out “Clementine” right now and I think it’s fitting me more every day. I didn’t know I was trans until around October 5th, 2023, give or take. I’m 22, and as I type this I’m hours away from coming out to my family. I am scared. I am excited. I can just hope for the best. My life has been leading up until this point, and I didn’t even know until last year. This album came out shortly after I realized I’m trans. As I went through these different phases of my transition, every time I would revisit this album, I would feel emotions being recaptured on the album.
I spent a lot of time since middle school constantly re-evaluating my beliefs. Now I know nothing is guaranteed, so why should I care about what happens after I die? I like to believe that everyone creates their own “Heaven” in the afterlife, and all you can do is try and make your experience of this world as close to “Heaven” as you can.
Appreciate y’all reading this article! It's my first time putting out a piece of written work and this project has been a feat for me to accomplish. My life has been through so many phases since I took on this project, and as I finish this, my life is in the best spot it has been in in a long time. I'm openly myself, have an amazing support system, and my parents didn't disown me for being trans. I got nothing to complain about and only have love to share.
Thank you to all of my friends that have stayed with me throughout my transition, the lovely staff of trickyStoop / indieAnthro, and hip-hop for being with me through it all. Special thanks to Cinnamon Miller, lulamoon, ZachJaDa, dis, robin's ghost, Mondo The Alien, stalker, Will of scuttlefuzz, Melissa Thyme Monroe, and my parents for helping me learn more about myself.
Editors: Cinnamon Miller & Melissa Thyme Monroe